South Park Gets A Little Gayer
by FishingAtTheCreek
Summary: As a result of childhood curiosity, one kiss between two boys of South Park will mean trouble for the small mountain town. It's up to our favorite boys to put an end to another bad decision made by the parents. Lots of pairings most of them gay. Hence the title.
1. Craig does something gay

There were a bunch of birds in the sky, and some deer just went running by. The snow was pure and white on the earth, rich and brown. Just a normal Monday morning in this quiet mountain town.

At least, the citizens thought so.

Before we discuss what made this day so different than the others, let's go into a seemingly normal household of the Marsh family. Specifically, a young ten year old by the name of Stanley Marsh. Stan was getting ready for school, decked in his normal brown jacket and red poof ball hat. It might have been May, but South Park was still chilly this time of year. It was Colorado, what do you expect?

"Stan, you better hurry or you'll miss the bus," Sharon Marsh called out to her son, a child who was absolutely perfect in her mind.

"Coming, mom!" The young boy replied, putting on his mittens and going downstairs, where his parents and older sister were eating.

"Get the fuck out of here, turd! No one wants you!" Shelly, the older sister of the boy, lisped at him. Shelly had a dangerously low self-esteem thanks to her headgear. This resulted in her picking on Stan.

"Now, now, Shelly. Quit worrying about your brother," Randy Marsh soothed his daughter in an almost robotic voice. He didn't have his coffee yet, so he really didn't care what was happening with his kids.

"Bye, mom! Bye, dad! Bye, bitch..." Stan said the last one under his breath, and he ran to the bus stop, which was right near his house. Luckily, the bus had not arrived, and his three best friends were waiting there.

"Hey, dude," Kyle Broflovski greeted his super best friend enthusiastically, which was ruined by the overweight, sadistic Eric Cartman.

"Hey, dude! My name is Kyle and I'm a dumb Jew who's totally gay for Stan," Cartman mocked, making their other friend Kenny McCormick chuckle beneath his huge orange parka.

"Shut up, fatass!"

"Don't call me fat, you fucking Jew!"

Kenny gave a muffled exclamation.

"Kenny's right, can we not fight in the beginning of the day?"

Yep. Just another morning.

The bus soon arrived, and the boys got on. They were going to school with high spirits, eager to learn and to gossip. Unfortunately, Cartman bet Kenny he couldn't stick his head out the bus window for five minutes, and Kenny got his head ripped off by a cannibal deer.

"Oh my God, they killed Kenny!" Stan exclaimed.

"You bastards!" Kyle screamed.

After Kenny was killed, the children arrived as school. Kenny's body was quickly carried away by rats, since they would feed on the carcass.

The kids went to their fourth grade class, which was taught by Mr. Garrison, who was an underpaid man that hated every single student there. Especially a certain fatass.

"Take your seats, children," Mr. Garrison said, in a voice that was so dead it made actual corpses sad. "Today, we're going to be discussing your homework, which was to watch the final season of Lost. Today, we're going to talk about how bullshit that ending was. Take out a piece of paper for notes. This will be on your test on Wednesday."

xxx

The children took notes, except for a certain little boy. Craig Tucker, his name was, and he wasn't taking notes because he was worried about something. Something that would make this normal day not so normal.

At recess, the children were playing games and having fun, all except for Craig. The little boy was thinking hard, and he finally built up the courage to do the thing that was making him fret. This would prove to be his worse mistake, even more than trusting Eric Cartman. Made you wonder what was so dangerous it beat even that.

"Hey, Tweek," Craig greeted the jittery blond in a deadpan way that was normal for him.

"GAH! I mean, hey, Craig," Tweek replied, shaking and twitching as always.

"Can I tell you something? Behind the trailers? It's super serious." Tweek was, naturally, scared shitless. What was important? Did Craig want to kill him? Oh god, he was too young to die!

"Sure, Craig. Let's, AH, go!" Tweek was gritting his teeth, prepared to fight the boy with the blue hat if he needed to.

"Okay, cool." Craig went behind the trailers, where Sally Darson was usually selling kisses for five bucks. Luckily, she was not in school today, because she got some kind of illness from kissing too many boys. Slut.

"Okay, Craig, what do you, OH GOD, want?" Craig didn't answer. Instead, he did something that was really a stupid thing to do for someone who was so popular. He turned to Tweek, and quickly kissed him on the lips.

Tweek spazzed out, flailing and screaming incoherent things. Then, he passed out on the snowy ground.

Today was not going to be a normal day after all.

**Edited the fuck out of this because it sucked.**


	2. Butters tells all

Monday was supposed to be just another day in South Park. Craig Tucker managed to fuck that all up.

Specifically, he fucked up the day for Tweek Tweak by kissing him behind the trailers, which caused him to pass out. He was woken by the recess monitor, screaming at him that he had to get his ass back in class.

He was scared, what if Craig told everyone? What if he said that _Tweek _kissed _him_? Oh god, he would have to quit school! He would be labeled as a homo for the rest of his life! He would have to hang out with Mr. Slave and Big Gay Al!

Calm down, Tweek. Breathe. It didn't seem like he told anyone when he walked into class, ten minutes late. People giggled, but that was after Mr. Garrison scolded him and called him a slow ass retard. Craig didn't giggle. He didn't even look up from his notes on Drew Barrymore's awful chemistry with Adam Sandler.

Maybe he didn't have enough coffee and dreamed it? Yes, that was possible. Completely possible and not at all gay. Except he had his usual cup this morning. So maybe it wasn't? He was so confused!

He needed to talk to somebody. But who? Who was the most trusting person he knew? Hmm. Oh yeah! Butters! Of course, Butters would know what to do. He was nice and wouldn't tell anyone!

After school, Butters Stotch was walking home when Tweek ran to him. Butters had missed the bus due to Cartman giving him a wedgie and sticking him on the tether ball pole again. Luckily, Mr. Mackey let him down and told him that maybe if he wasn't so different he'd have friends.

"Butters! Gah! I need to talk to you!" Tweek looked around, just in case someone was watching and taking notes on his gayness.

"Well, sure, Tweek! Better than going home and getting grounded. Gosh, my dad's gonna be mad." He knew that being late would be worth a week of being grounded. Not to mention another week for getting bullied. So a little chat with Tweek was appreciated.

"Um, I have to tell you something! A secret! Yeah, you can't tell anyone! Not until you die!"

"Aw, shucks, Tweek! Butters Stotch is always a trusting guy!"

"Great! Thanks!" Tweek took a deep, shaky breath before whispering the sinful secret into the other blond boy's hair.

"Woah! Craig kissed you? Now, why would he do that?" Butters looked rightfully confused.

"I don't know! What should I d- GAH!" He screamed as his cell phone's alarm went off. "Aw, man, I gotta go to my parents' coffee shop! Bye, Butters! Remember, don't tell!" He ran off, pissed that he hadn't got any advice. But at least he finally told someone.

"See ya later, Tweek!" Butters waved, heading over to the Cartman residence. Eric would want to know about what happened for sure! Butters would remind him not to tell anyone. And he would, because he's a great friend!

By the next day, every kid in fourth grade knew what happened.

xxx

When Craig Tucker walked into school the next day, he was met with a chorus of laughter from his classmates.

"Hey, hey Craig!" Clyde Donovan called out, chortling. "Why are you late? Were you kissing your boyfriend some more?" The children laughed at this absolute sick burn.

Unfortunately, when he said this, Tweek walked in. Everyone lost it as the twitchy boy looked at Craig in horror.

"Craig and Tweek sitting in a tree! F-U-C-K-I-N-G!" The girls sang, all except for Wendy Testaburger. She couldn't get what was so funny about two guys kissing. Mr. Garrison did it when Mr. Slave was around, after all. What was the big deal?

"Gah! Butters, did you tell?" Tweek looked at Butters, trying to look angry and intimidating but failing completely.

"Of course not! Well, I told Eric, but I'm sure he didn't tell anyone. Right, Eric?" Butters looked over at Cartman, sure of himself.

"Aw, no way, Butters. I- heh heh- didn't tell anyone." He was trying to hold in his laughter, but it was coming out. He was so proud of himself right now.

"You're a real asshole, fat boy! So what if Craig and Tweek kissed? You put Butters' dick into your mouth once!" Kyle accused, glaring at Cartman.

"Hey, I did not! You...you photoshopped it, you fucking Jew!" Eric was in denial, even though he did in fact put Butters' penis into his mouth that one time.

"We-We didn't kiss! Haha, Butters was lying! Right, Craig?" Tweek looked at Craig, urging him to agree.

"No. We kissed," Craig confirmed, looking pretty calm considering all the teasing. He didn't even look like he cared.

Everyone stopped teasing and looked at Craig with as much surprise as Tweek. Tweek thought he was going to faint again. Even Mr. Garrison was interested in the drama.

"You kissed? And you aren't even embarrassed?" Token Black asked, confused beyond belief. The other kids were feeling that way also. "But you kissed a guy! Isn't that gross to either of you?"

"Not really. It's sort of like kissing a girl. Except hair doesn't get in the way," Craig shrugged. "It was good." Tweek thought he was going to be sick, his face was surely red enough.

None of the children were laughing anymore. They all looked puzzled. Craig liked kissing another boy? They thought you only liked that if you had the gay disease. Did this mean that any boy could kiss another without being gay?

"Alright, children. You can talk about what flaming homos Craig and Tweek are after class," Mr Garrison instructed, shooing Craig and Tweek to their seats.

The boys in the class felt very uneasy. None of them knew that day, but two of them would doom the entire world.

And two of them would nearly kill all the people of South Park.

**Combined two woah**


	3. Stan and Kyle doom the world

School was over in South Park Elementary, and the events of that day made every single boy in the fourth grade think about their lives. In case you didn't read the first three chapters, which is stupid, Craig kissed Tweek and everyone found out about it. But then Craig was like, kissing boys is rad and now the little boys aren't sure how to handle this information.

Two particular boys made a plan to test this thing out. What were the names of these two? Why, Stan Marsh and Kyle Broflovski of course! They are the main characters after all. Being Super Best Friends, they both figured that kissing would do absolutely nothing to their relationship or the relationship Stan had with Wendy Testaburger. They just wouldn't tell her about it. That was a normal thing to do, right?

Without even speaking, they walked into Kyle's house and raced up to his room before Kyle's mother could greet them. Sheila Broflovski was always suspicious about basically everything that happened with Kyle, so she pulled out her phone and went on the app that showed Kyle's room. Yes, she did put a camera in there. But that was only to protect her son. She was a good mother, really, just a little overprotective.

Once the two reached Kyle's room, Stan immediately began pacing. "Oh shit, dude. Are you sure we should be doing this? I don't wanna catch the gay thing."

Kyle rolled his eyes, even though he was utterly nervous as well. "Come on, Stan. Tweek and Craig did it. We can do it to. Would you rather kiss fatass?" Stan crinkled his nose in disgust. "Didn't think so."

"Okay. We kiss. And then we never talk about it. We keep being Super Best Friends. Deal?" Stan stuck out one of his mitten-clad hands.

"Deal." They both shook on it. Then there was a moment of silence. You could even hear Ike doing his daily Satanic rituals. Deciding to just get it the hell over with, Kyle leaned in and quickly kissed Stan.

It lasted for a good twenty-two seconds, seventeen more than the kiss of Craig and Tweek. After they pulled away, they were unable to say anything beyond a tiny "woah".

Unfortunately for them, Sheila Broflovski was watching. She is also the head of the PTA and has all the numbers on speed dial. Whoops.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Meanwhile, as Sheila was calling a mandatory PTA meeting, Satan was resting in Hell, content with his life. Well, if you could even call it that. But still, things were okay. Chris and Saddam were gone forever, and he was becoming friends with a small toddler up in South Park. Yes, things were wonderful. Except for...

"Father, father, father! We are going to take over the world after all!"

...Damien Thorn.

Sure, having a kid was great and all. Miracles of life or something. But Damien was constantly going on and on about something. Not to mention, a child died in South Park and Damien has claimed this boy as his 'Evil Bride of Darkness'. What a fucking idiot.

"Yes, Damien?" Satan took off his reading glasses, putting down his Harry Potter book. He was getting to the good part, where Hagrid puts Harry through a sexual ritual in order to obtain witchcraft, so hopefully this would be quick.

"In South Park, father! The people are going to get riled up about boys kissing and blood will be spilled all around! Then we can punish them!" Damien laughed evilly, and it was actually pretty adorable.

"I do say, it is rather chilly in here compared to the other quarters of Hell. Do you happen to have air conditioning, Mr. Satan?" A young boy named Pip Pirrup asked politely. Pip was indeed Damien's new bride of darkness, because he was the only one Damien knew and almost liked from South Park who died. Also, he came to Hell on his own accord. Because he was British.

"Quiet, wife! I am talking to father about important things! Ask me if you wish to speak!" Damien commanded, bopping Pip on the head.

"Right-o then, Damien. I apologize."

"Did I give you permission to speak, wife?" Bop.

Satan watched the two in amusement. He guessed this was how his son acted around a crush. Or whatever Pip was to Damien. Even Damien wasn't really sure.

"So, you want to go up and rule the earth, Damien?" Satan stood, looking down at the two boys.

"Yes, father! I want to be a Dark One just like you!" Damien grinned maliciously, the closest thing he had to a real smile.

"Hm. When an innocent human dies because of this, I will grant you permission to take over. Meanwhile, I'm going to send you and your wife to the surface. Once you see anything relating to the blood of an innocent person, we will rule once more!" Satan laughed evilly. Damien joined in. Pip did also, but his laugh was much too joyful to be considered evil.

"Come, wife! We shall rule the world after all this time!" Damien proclaimed, grabbing Pip's hand and running off.

"Right then! Bye, Mr. Satan!" Pip waved cheerily.

"I said no speaking!" Bop.

**NOW PIP AND DAMIEN ARE HERE TO RAISE HELL. LITERALLY. *BUH DUM TSS***


	4. Sheila makes the new rule

Even though most of South Park couldn't stand Sheila Broflovski, everyone always went to her PTA meetings, especially the ones she made last minute. You'd think they would learn from the time she blamed Canada for their sons swearing and nearly caused World War III. But, she did serve excellent punch at the meetings. So there was that, I guess. Even though she called everyone at four, the meeting had to take place at nine because Kenny's parents were doing something that didn't involve selling meth.

"I'm glad you could all make it on such a short notice," Sheila said from her podium on the stage. Why was this even considered a PTA meeting?

"What is it this time, Mrs. Broflovski?" Principal Victoria asked, cleaning her glasses against her shirt.

"Yeah, mom, why did me and Stan have to come?" Kyle inquired nervously. Nothing could be good if his mother wanted him and his friend to go to one of these lame meeting.

"Quiet, Kyle. This is about you." Sheila took a deep breath, gazing at the crowd. "Everyone, tonight I discovered these two young boys...kissing in Kyle's bedroom."

The gasp spread throughout the entire audience. All except for two men.

"I knew those kids were homo. God, is anyone even surprised?" Mr. Garrison said to no one in particular, happy his gay-dar was still fully functional.

"God damn it, Sharon! I told you we shouldn't have let them hang out alone too much! I _told _you!" Randy Marsh shouted at his flabbergasted wife.

"Mom! How did you see that?!" Kyle shrieked, his face beet red.

"It wasn't what it looked like! Every guy in our class wanted to do it!" Stan explained desperately, exchanging worried glances at Kyle.

"What what _what_? Why do you children want to kiss each other?" Shiela screeched, glaring at the boys in that scary mom way.

"Craig Tucker and Tweek Tweak did it!" Both of them blurted out at the same time, earning another gasp.

Thomas Tucker, Craig's father, immediately stood up. "Bunch of liars! My son is not gay, especially not for Richard's fucked up kid!"

Richard Tweak, Tweek's father, smiled at Thomas. "Thomas, I understand your anger. Perhaps you should try some fresh brewed coffee. Calm those emotions down." He brought out a portable cup with coffee, which came from seemingly no where.

"Fuck you. Your son kissed my son!" Thomas flipped him off.

"Ah, yes. Tweek is a very complicated boy, Thomas. His medication is trying to do its job though. Isn't that right, sweetie?" Richard glanced at his wife, who smiled and nodded in agreement.

"Now, now. Let's all calm down," Sheila commanded, in a tone that was not at all calm. "I think I know what the problem is. The homosexuals in this town are poisoning our children's mind!"

"_What?_" Mr. Garrison exclaimed as the crowd cheered in agreement.

"Wait, mom! It isn't the gay people's fault!" Kyle tried to say, but he was drowned out by the cheering.

"From now on, we will convince the mayor to send all the homosexuals to a work camp, to help with their perversion on these kids!" Sheila proclaimed, and the crowd went wild.

"Oh _fuck,_" Mr. Garrison muttered, getting out his phone and dialing Mr. Slave's number.

xxx

Meanwhile, Tweek was in his bed, all the worries swimming in that twitchy head of his.

He couldn't say he _hated_ the kiss Craig gave him, but it was making him more of a nervous wreck than ever. Even the underwear gnomes didn't upset him this much.

Did it mean Craig liked him? Like, _like liked _him? Tweek wasn't sure how to feel about that. Did he like Craig that way? Craig was always kind of nice to him ever since they fought and put each other in the hospital. He even let Tweek be part of his gang with Clyde and Token. That was very nice for Craig, actually. Oh god...

Tweek was interrupted from these thoughts from a tapping at his window. His first thought was that Satan was here to buttfuck him for thinking sinful thoughts, but he saw that it was just Craig at his window. Wait, fuck, _Craig was at his window..._

"Craig? AH! What are you doing here?!" Tweek opened the window, despite every single voice telling him not to in his head. One of them was also suggesting he kill his parents, but that was for another time.

"Do you want to be my boyfriend or something?" Craig asked, voice flat as ever. What the fuck was wrong with this kid.

"You...You want...AH I CAN'T TAKE THE PRESSURE!" Tweek hit his head against his wall a few times, then looked at Craig. "Uh, okay!"

"Cool. That's all I wanted. Okay, bye." Craig kissed Tweek again, before climbing out the window.

Tweek had no fucking idea what just happened, but now he had a boyfriend. Alright then. Time for some coffee.

xxx

While that was happening, Damien was having visions of the PTA meeting, and he was very pleased. This was exactly what his father needed to take over. Now he had to make a plan to find the blood of an innocent person and-

"Damien! Would you like any more scones with your tea?" Pip walked from the kitchen, a frilly apron over his clothes. His adoptive family left the house after he died, and Damien killed the family who moved in after.

"I hate this tea! And your British food!" Damien knocked the teacup over, levitating the plate full of scones and throwing them out the window.

"Oh. I apologize, then. My bad." Pip was upset that he wouldn't get to eat any more scones. He had about twenty in the kitchen.

"Come, wife! We must plan for the apocolypse!" Damien cackled, grabbing Pip and running upstairs.

"Oh, joy, I love this game! It's almost as fun as 'throw the wife into the knife collection'!" Pip cheered, a smile on his face.

**This chapter was almost too gay to function.**


	5. Cartman offers a bet

Four things made Tuesday morning an odd day. First, homosexuals were possibly going to some camp thing, if Sheila Broflovski bitched enough. Although this was clearly a really stupid idea, many of the parents were right behind her. Including the Tucker family, who were still convinced their son was totally not gay and didn't kiss Tweek. Oh, those poor bastards.

Secondly, Pip Pirrup and Damien Thorn mysteriously returned to school. No one really questioned their return, though Wendy Testaburger did bring up Pip's death. Before Damien could send her to Hell, Pip quickly made up some lame excuse about British witchcraft bringing him back to life. Oddly enough, this was accepted.

Third, everyone found out about the Stan and Kyle kiss. This was thanks to Mr. Garrison, who loudly proclaimed it to the whole class as he walked in. No one was really surprised, except for Wendy, who would probably put Kyle in the hospital or something for kissing her man. And Cartman was doing his usual thing of calling them fags, but there wasn't as big as a backlash as the last thing.

The last thing, if you were wondering, was that Craig Tucker and Tweek Tweak were now an item. The response this got was somewhere between shock and mock. Shmock. Yes, this was what it will be called. Anyway, Tweek was kind of freaking out like always and Craig was kind of not caring like always. These fucking dorks.

So, needless to say, Tuesday was going to be worse than Monday.

xxx

Wendy Testaburger was pissed off. Why wouldn't she be? Her boyfriend totally kissed his 'Super Best Friend'. Wendy was tempted to pay a few German snipers to take Broflovski out. Or she could convince Japan that Kyle was contacting Godzilla and planning to destroy the whole country. But her best friend Bebe Stevens insisted she just talk to Stan. Whatever.

So lunchtime came and she went straight to Stan's table, where all his friends were sitting. Including Kyle.

"Stan, what the hell is wrong with you?" Wendy asked straight up, pushing Cartman off the table to make room.

"EY! I was sitting there, fucking bitch." Cartman stood, picking up his fallen lunch tray and eating the food that spilled on the ground.

Wendy ignored him, glare burning holes into poor Stanley Marsh. "Well? You think it's okay to just make out with your friend and forget you have a girlfriend?"

Stan looked like he was about to vomit on Wendy. Not like that would have been different from their early days. "Wendy, it was just...a thing. It didn't mean anything. Not like I wanted to do it again or anything." Wow, what an excellent liar this kid clearly was. Make way for the new Fox News anchor.

"And you," Wendy turned to Kyle, who's glare could rival hers, "Kyle, I can't believe you would agree to it! I know Stan doesn't know any better, but you're supposed to be smart!"

"Oh, shut the fuck up, Wendy. It was just a dumb kiss, you need to calm down," Kyle said calmly, though his eyes were narrowed and filled with contempt. People all throughout the lunchroom were starting to get interested. "And even if it wasn't just a one time thing, do you really blame Stan for wanting someone other than you?"

"OHHH! SMACKDOWN!" Cartman shouted, eating his fries as he watched the kinda fight intently.

"Look, just because you're in love with Stan or something, doesn't mean you can just forget he has a girlfriend!" Wendy countered, not noticing the amount of people crowding around.

"I am not in love with him! You're just too stupid to get that he isn't in love with you!" Kyle retorted, standing up on his seat. Even Mr. Mackey, who was sent to see what the commotion was, became intrigued with the argument.

"Okay, that's it! I'm going to kick your fucking ass, Kyle Broflovski!" Wendy shrieked, grabbing Kyle's collar and pulling him close.

"I'm not Cartman. I'm not afraid of you, Wendy!" Kyle growled, bringing his fist up.

"Wait! Let's make this a little interesting, hmm?" Cartman finally said, looking up at the two with wide, excited eyes.

"What the hell are you talking about, fatass?" Kyle finally looked away from Wendy, glaring at Cartman now.

"I'm just saying you two should wager the thing you keep bitching about. Stan. The winner gets to be with Stan, and the loser has to drop out from his life forever. Since I'd like seeing either of you in pain, this is perfect!" Cartman looked honest to god thrilled about this idea.

Kyle and Wendy looked at Cartman for a while, then Wendy smirked. "Fine. Loser leaves Stan alone. Forever. Deal?" Wendy stuck out her hand, confident in herself she would prove victorious.

Kyle shook it, smiling smugly. "Deal." Unfortunately, Kyle was feeling the same way. "Tomorrow after school. We fight."

Mr. Mackey suddenly remembered he was supposed to be the adult. "Mmkay, you two better come to my office. We can discuss our feelings instead of fighting, mmkay?"

"No need, Mr. Mackey," Wendy said sweetly, leaving the table to go join Bebe at the girl table. "We'll discuss our feelings tomorrow." Suddenly, lunchtime was back to normal.

Stan Marsh had no idea what the fuck happened, but now two of the people he cared about most in the world were going to fight. When did South Park turn into Degrassi?

xxx

Tweek wasn't very experienced in having a boyfriend, but it was a pretty awesome deal.

Craig wasn't very mean to him anymore, and didn't call him a spaz anymore. Okay, that was a lie, but now he said it in a very affectionate way. Well, as affectionate as Craig Tucker can even get.

Sure, Cartman made fun of them, but everyone else was shocked, until they realized these were the two who sparked the Stan and Kyle kiss, and it kind of made sense anyway. So, his social status was the same.

But when Kyle and Wendy were planning to kill one another, Craig suggested they go on a date. By 'date', he really meant 'watch Red Racer in the school's AV room while eating Slim Jims'. So, yeah. That's what they were doing.

"Red Racer is fucking amazing," Craig said as he chewed on his Slim Jim, his free hand holding Tweek's.

"Yeah I, GAH, never really watch it before! But it seems, AH, really cool!" Tweek's hand was sweaty probably, but Craig wasn't yelling at him for some reason. Weird. Tweek was constantly watching the door fearfully. "Are you sure we should be in here, Craig? OH GOD WHAT IF WE GET KICKED OUT OF SCHOOL?"

"Then we'll watch Red Racer at my house," Craig replied, his answer so sweet and dumb it made Tweek even more nervous. "Dude, calm down. You can just say I forced you here and they'll probably just tell you to go home or something."

Tweek was touched that Craig was willing to take the blame, and expressed this by kissing his cheek. "Gee, Craig! You're not as big of a douche as I thought! GAH WAIT NO I'M SOR-"

"And you aren't as much as a spaz. Wait, yes you are." Craig scooted closer to Tweek, taking a final bite of his Slim Jim and reaching for another.

**Wow that was dumb. So Wendy and Kyle are fighting, text it. And, uh, Craig and Tweek are still dumb cute morons. What else is new. **

**You know reviews give me the strength to write. Just saying. **


	6. Wendy and Kyle fight

Now, I could tell you about the other events that happened on Tuesday, such as the radioactive meatloaf monster that came from the lunchroom and needed to have an orgy with former presidents to be calmed down, but who really cares about that stuff? Now it was Wednesday, and currently two serious things were happening today.

The first was the highly anticipated fight between Kyle Broflovski and Wendy Testaburger. The loser would have to drop out of Stan's life forever. Eric Cartman has been taking bets of the outcome, and so far Wendy was winning by two bets. Neither of them were scared, they were actually quite confident in their abilities. An interesting fight, I'd say. And poor Stanley Marsh can't talk either of them out of it.

The second thing to happen today, Sheila Broflovski was to go and try to convince the mayor of South Park that the homosexuals were poisoning children's minds and that they needed to be sent to a death cam- I mean, work camp. That has no death whatsoever. Nope.

Ah, yes. Wednesday was going to be a crazy day. Was it going to be crazier than Thursday though? Well, we'll burn that bridge when we cross it. Let's worry about Wednesday, okay Speedy Gonzalez?

xxx

The children of South Park elementary were buzzing with the news of the fight that would take place at recess. Even the teachers were all gossiping about it. Mr. Garrison postponed his Lost quiz to Friday, and gave the kids a free period. He turned on Bill Nye just in case the principal happened to walk by. Principals always bought that Bill Nye shit.

"So, you think you'll win today, Wendy?" Bebe Stevens asked, all the girls' desks huddled together so they could properly talk about this without the boys cutting in.

Before she could answer, another girl named Red butt in, "Of course she will! Wendy kicked Cartman's fat ass before, she can take Broflovski."

"Yeah," Wendy agreed proudly, "and when he pleads for mercy, I'm gonna make him cry. I'll make him say...hmm..."

"'My name is Kyle Broflovski and I am a huge pussy'!" Heidi Turner suggested, a grin on her face.

"Yes!" The girls erupted into giggles, drawing attention from the boys, who were huddled together as well.

"Think they're planning something, dude?" Token Black asked, looking a bit fearful of the ladies.

"Nah, man. They're just talking about One Direction's balls or something," Craig said, hand intertwined with Tweek's shaky one. This was now seen as a totally normal thing by the boys.

"Yeah! Or maybe they're planning to lock the door or kill Kyle right now! OR MAYBE ALL OF US OH GOD NO-" Tweek was cut off by Craig, who stuck a Slim Jim into his mouth.

"Think you'll win today, Kyle? Wendy's awfully good at beating people up," Butters Stotch looked mildly worried for his Jewish friend. "Remember her fight with Eric?"

"Butters, shut up. Dumb bitch has luck, that's all," Cartman said, even though it was common knowledge he got his fat ass handed to him by Wendy.

"No, y-you got your a- ahh- aahhhh- aaass handed to you," Jimmy pointed out.

"Please. Wendy just thinks she's tough because she beat this tub of lard," Kyle jerked his finger at Cartman, getting an 'EY' in response. "I'll be fine."

"Why do you guys even have to fight? Dude, this is so dumb," Stan said, trying desperately to stop this fight that was apparently about him somehow.

"Stan, it's not. Wendy thinks she owns you, man. This will put her right in her place." Kyle was sure he'd prove to be victorious in this fight. Would he? Well, let's find out already, you impatient fucks!

xxx

To the left, take it back now y'all.

It was recess, and time for the fight. All the children of South Park Elementary were crowding around the playground, even the Goth Kids were there.

"This is such conformist bullshit," Henrietta commented, smoking her awesome antique pipe.

"Definitely. Just a stupid cheerleader bitch and some fag fighting over a jock. Same teenage fucking thing," Pete sighed, Micheal and Firkle nodding in agreement. Funny how they were so against it but really wanted to see who would win. Perhaps they were the conformists? What a twist!

Kyle and Wendy were both ready to rumble, their jackets tossed off somewhere and Wendy's hair tied up in a ponytail. Kyle wouldn't ever take his stupid green hat off, so that stayed on. What a damn dork.

"Dude, are you really sure about this?" Stan asked his friend, glancing at the glowering Wendy across from them.

Kyle looked at her as well, a confident smirk on his little Jewish face. "Positive." He walked up to Wendy, his determination mirroring Wendy's.

Then, the fight began.

xxx

We interrupt this awesome fight to bring you the boring, long meeting between Sheila Broflovski and Mayor McDaniels. Ah, I'm just fucking with you. But the end of it is kind of important.

"I must say, Mrs. Broflovski, you do make a good argument. And here I thought you were just being a complaining bitch as always..." McDaniels looked down at Sheila's petition from the town, her decision becoming clear. Even if no one would like it, it had to be done.

"I only want to protect the children in this town, Mayor McDaniels. Please, do what's right and send those homosexual men away! For the children!" Sheila gripped her picture of Ike and Kyle to her chest, looking pretty damn sincere, even if this was a really stupid thing to do. Where did she even get that picture?

"Well, I think you're right. Starting tomorrow, South Park will be a gay-free zone! For the children of South Park!" Mayor McDaniels stood, a sure smile on her face. Sheila stood as well, beaming.

"Oh...Jesus Christ..." Mr. Slave whispered from under her desk, texting the local gay men with the speed of a thousand suns. This was not good at all.

xxx

Now, back to the super epic fight that was happening.

While we were away at that meeting, we missed Kyle pulling a chunk of Wendy's hair off, Wendy punching Kyle in the stomach until he threw up, and Kyle shoving Wendy's face into that vomit. Yum.

Things had gotten out of hand, and the two were now beating the shit out of each other in the jungle gym. No one could see a thing.

"Who's winning? This is bullshit!" Bebe huffed, looking at her iPhone in distaste. She couldn't post the video on YouTube with this quality!

"Wait, look!" Millie said, pointing. The fighting had seemed to stop, and a winner was determined. Everyone crowded around the slide to see.

There, sliding down with a look of victory was...Wendy Testaburger. The beaten, bruised Kyle followed, an absolutely devastating look on his face.

"I won. It's over." The girls cheered, picking Wendy up and whisking her away to go to Starbucks for celebration. They took Stan as well, mostly against his will. The boys, however, crowded around Kyle, both amused and sympathetic.

"I can't believe it...she won again..." Clyde shook his head, looking down at the bloody Kyle in amazement.

"She won...it's over..." Kyle repeated and shakily got up, tears running down his cheeks.

"Aw, don't cry, Kyle! Sure, Wendy beat you up in front of the whole school but...uh, well..." Butters tried to think of a good thing about this situation, but couldn't.

"I don't care about that, Butters. Now...I have to leave Stan alone. Forever." Kyle fell to the snowy ground, sobs escaping without any sort of resistance. The boys all shifted uncomfortably.

In the background, Damien was watching in delight. Yes, this was the beginning of the end. His father would rule- no, _he _would rule this time!

"Oh dear. I believe that chap needs a medic," Pip said, earning another bop to the head.

**Wow. Kyle lost. And gay people are sent away. What a shock. **

**For the record, there was a reason Kyle lost. Considering he got a shitload of things in the show (diabetes, AIDS, hemerroid, etc.), I doubt he could win at a fight. Let's be real here. He just seems kind of weaker than the other kids. Especially Wendy "Paid People to Shoot Her Teacher Into the Sun" Testaburger.**


	7. Tweek gets an idea

Well, it's certainly been an eventful week for this little mountain town, hasn't? And it's only Thursday! Gay people are being sent to work camps, a boy isn't allowed to see his best friend ever again, and TMZ is still on air! Yes, what a crazy week it has been.

Ooh, what should we look at first? Well, why don't we see the homosexuals being sent off, huh?

xxx

Buses were lined up around city hall, all filled with the local queers. Mr. Slave was cuddling with his husband, Big Gay Al, and Mr. Garrison was trying to reason that he was a female once, therefore shouldn't be here. Of course, he didn't mention that he was briefly a lesbian at that time.

Sheila Broflovski was, naturally, ordering people around. "Do not be afraid! This is for our children! You will be sent back once you improve! Please, I need volunteers to scope the town for more!"

The Mayor was behind Shiela, trying to look like she was really in charge of this little operation, though it was painfully obvious who the main bitch is. "Everyone, please listen to Mrs. Broflovski. I promise all of you will be completely safe, as far as I know." Gee, I wonder why everyone might be panicking.

Sadly enough, young Craig Tucker was being pulled by his father to this event, even though poor Tweek was latched onto him.

"No no no! You can't send him off! GAH! He didn't do anything wrong, sir, please OH GOD," Tweek bawled.

"Aw, come on, kid, lay off! Craig's just confused, and I'm trying to help. You'll see him in a few weeks now get off!" Mr. Tucker yelled, flipping the twitching blond off.

"My dad's a dick. Sorry. Guess I have to go to this dumb thing now," Craig said, indifferent as ever. I'm sure his heart was broken on the inside. If he had one.

One of the unnamed volunteers helped Mr. Tucker drag Craig into the bus. Tweek let out another wail, looking at the yellow demon vehicle with dismay. Now he was never going to see Craig again!

Unless...

Tweek got his phone out, dialing Stan's number. "AH! I mean, hey Stan. It's Tweek. Listen...remember La Resistance?"

xxx

We should probably check on little Kyle, because he was having a dumb week. He kissed his best friend, fought with said friend's girlfriend, lost, and now wasn't allowed to see him ever again. Those were the rules. Wendy kept fucking texting him about it to remind him.

So why was he so damn upset about it? Sure, Stan was his super best friend, but he was also kind of a pussy. I mean, he did turn goth when Wendy dumped him. He wasn't so great, really. Certainly not good enough to be a main character on a cartoon show.

Yet, there was that aching feeling in his stomach, and it just made him want to cry and eat unbelievably large amounts of ice cream. Man, this sucked. He needed advice.

So, he headed to the local South Park cemetary. Yes, you did read that correctly.

Kyle went to the gravestone surrounded by a bunch of flowers. On the grave, it read _Jerome "Chef" McElroy. _

"Hey Chef," Kyle greeted casually. He paused, as if Chef was responding. "Bad." Pause. "Well, I kissed Stan. And I know that's gay and all, but my mom isn't sending me to the camp because she thinks I'm just confused. And I am! Because I'm not allowed to see Stan ever again and that pisses me off! It's like...do you think I like Stan?"

Kyle imagined Chef telling him that while he never had experience with men, he guessed it was just like the love he made to sweet women. After a short musical break, Chef informed him that he needed to talk to Stan, no matter what. Stan would understand, if they were really super best friends.

"Thanks, Chef. You always know what to say." Kyle took out a daisy he stole from the store before he went here, dropping it onto the grave. "Bye Chef." Kyle spinned around, feeling better. Thank goodness they had Chef.

xxx

Stan Marsh was busy, sending out a mass text to everyone he knew. La Resistance was finally coming back, stronger than ever now that they had more official background characters. Wendy was next to him, looking slightly afraid.

"Stan, I really think this is great. But what if our parents find out? They know about La Resistance, remember?" Wendy pointed out, watching Glee on Stan's television.

"Wendy, we have to get those gay people out! They got Craig, remember? Besides, I thought you were all about freedom of speech," Stan retorted, sending out the text with a triumphant look.

"I am, but I don't want you to get hurt..." Wendy pondered, wondering how she could help her beloved boyfriend. "I know! I'll get in contact with Gregory!"

"Gregory? I thought he moved away from South Park to Denver." Stan was annoyed. Gregory was a fucking douche. He thought he was so cool and awesome. Well he wasn't.

"I'm sure he could come back to help! Here, I'll Facebook him when I get home!" Wendy would use her phone, but she didn't think Stan would like that.

"Whatever. I guess we need all the help we can get...you think we can pull it off though?"

Wendy smiled, pecking Stan on the cheek. "Absolutely!" Hopefully, Kyle Broflovski won't be in the way, she added in her mind.

**La Resistance lives on! I'm sorry, but I love Chef too much for him not to be included in this story in some way. Okay, yeah, that's it. This chapter was short and dumb, sorry. **


	8. La Resistance Lives On!

Damien, who we have not visited in quite a while, was overjoyed. It was starting, it was going to happen. Once a certain little boy gets killed, and his blood spills all over the earth, he will reign this disgusting earth. It's all coming together, nothing could possibly-

"Damien! Oh, goodness, you must see this!" Pip ran into the room, again wearing a frilly pink apron. Damien had grown accustomed to the item, and demanded Pip wear it whenever they were home. Kinky, or just stupid? You decide.

"What do you want, wife? I am very busy laughing manically and looking out the window!" This was Damien's favorite pastime. God, he was fucked up.

"I know, and I do apologize, but...well, look at this!" Pip handed Damien his iPhone, where there was a message from Stan Marsh. I'm not going to put it word for word, but it was basically about how La Resistance was getting back together and to meet at a certain location and there was going to be pie and punch.

Damien was appalled. Some punks were planning to ruin the apocolypse? Why would they do that? "I'm glad you brought this to my attention, wife. You did something good for once." Pip was flipping the fuck out on the inside and a little on the outside, especially when Damien patted his head affectionately. "Now, we must stop this organization. We're going to attend this meeting, and destroy them in secret!"

"Ah, good plan, Damien! They won't suspect a thing! You're so smart," Pip swooned, like a little British schoolgirl.

"I know. Let us go destory some souls, wife!"

xxx

Kyle could not believe he was doing this. He was going to ask a person he barely knew, a person they thought was dead, to help win Stan back. God damn it. He knocked on the door of the house, and waited for him to answer.

He did, and he looked surprised. "Kyle? 'Zis is very unexpected. What eez it you want?" Christophe asked, the usual cigerette in his mouth.

"Mole, I need your help. La Resistance is back together and-"

"What?! Shit..." Christophe ran back inside, going upstairs and grabbing his favorite shovel. He ran back downstairs, where Kyle was still patiently waiting in the doorway. "Why didn't anyone tell me?"

"Because everyone else thought you were dead?"

"Feh. God, the filthy bastard, spared me. Not planning to see zat disgusting fucker yet," Christophe paused, looking at Kyle suspiciously. "How did you find me?"

"Facebook."

"Ah."

"Listen, Mole, you need to help me. I...well...I'm in love, I think." Kyle was going to vomit, that sounded so lame.

"With Stan?"

"What? How..."

Christophe scoffed, twirling his cancer stick between his fingers. "You two homos were so obvious, it was disgusting."

Kyle couldn't even believe it. Were they really that gay together? "Anyway, some things happened. I'm not allowed to see him ever again. His girlfriend made sure of it."

"Impossible. Don't you have to speak now zat you are both in La Resistance?"

"No. Wendy sent out this thing to everyone, partnering all of us up. I mentioned you were joining, and she immediately paired you up with Stan, and me with Gregory, so I was wondering-"

"Yes," Christophe said immediately.

"Yes what?"

"I will swap partners with you."

"Uh, okay. I was going to say we work together but-"

"No. I want to be paired with Gregory. It eez important, you fucking pussy. I have a, how do you say, bone to pick with with him?"

"Oh. Well, alright. But wait until we get there to tell Wendy, alright? Is it a deal?" Kyle held out his hand.

Christophe shook it. "Deal. When eez the meeting?"

"Um...now?"

"Shit."

xxx

Craig Tucker was kind of pissed off. This camp wasn't the nice place the mayor made it out to be. It actually sucked a lot.

All of them were forced to take a class about how wrong each of them were, and they all had to write a ten page paper about how disgusting they all were. Free time was the worst, though. Gay men and women used this time to have wild orgies all over the place. Craig was actually offered a spot once. He flipped them off as a response, then proceeded to think about his boyfriend.

Had it really only been six hours? It felt like fucking months. Months without Stripe, Red Racer, and Tweek. The only three things that mattered in his life were all so far away from him. Like, five miles away. That's really far, you know.

Currently, as La Resistance was meeting up, it was dinnertime at the camp. Tonight they were having a strange red and meat mixture. Craig wasn't sure what it was, but he knew that a few people were missing and he found a ring in his. He was sitting at a table with no one else, mainly because the other gay members flirted with him. They called his deadpan expression "hot and mysterious". So, he was all alone.

That is, except when Mr. Garrison came along and sat down. "Hello, Craig. How are you feeling?"

"Okay, I guess. I hate it here though," Craig replied, staring down at his meal.

"Yes, well, I guess it's for the children. Personally, I think it's fucking stupid, but I'm not the mayor. Oh well."

This did nothing to make Craig feel any better. "Mr Garrison?"

"Yes, Craig?"

"Why did they stamp numbers on us?" Craig lifted his blue sleeve, where a number was indeed stamped on him.

"Well, Craig, the owners of the camp think that some of us can't change, so they execute some of us. Don't worry, they go by number. I'm fifty, see? They've done one through ten today, and they'll do eleven through twenty tonight at ten. I doubt they'll do any more tomorrow."

"But...I'm eleven."

Mr. Garrison looked at the number, which was indeed eleven. "Oh, so it is. Well, enjoy the rest of your life, Craig." He stood and walked back to his original table.

Craig felt sick. It was only another hour until ten. He was going to be executed? Surely, they weren't going to kill a child, right?

Right?

xxx

Meanwhile, in Stan's tree house, the children of La Resistance were gathering to beat the shit out of some adults.

Gregory, the smug little blond fuck, was on top of a crate, addressing everybody like he was God or something. "I want each of us to be safe, so Wendy over here assigned everyone a partner. As you can see, Kyle is with me, Stan is with Christophe, Wendy is with Bebe, Butters is with Kenny, Cartman will be with Tweek, Token will be with Clyde, Pip and Damien, Powder and Red, Heidi and Annie, Bill and Fosse, Pete and Michael, Henrietta and Firkle, Nichole and Lola, Timmy and Jimmy, Dogpoo and Francis, Terrance and Douchebag. That's it, I believe."

"Wait," Kyle spoke up, earning a glare from Wendy. "Me and Christophe want to swap."

"Oh god, here we go," Stan muttered, sighing.

"What!? That's ridiculous!" Wendy fumed, stomping her foot.

"Fine. Christophe is with me, Stan is with Kyle," Gregory said calmly. Wendy huffed, but kept quiet.

"Also, do I have to be with this spazzy douchebag?" Cartman asked, poking Tweek harshly, which got a yell from him. "Why can't I be with Douchebag or something?"

"The partners are final, I'm sorry."

"God dammit!" Cartman pushed Tweek, who yelped once again. "I hate you so much, Tweek."

"Now, we need to form a plan..." Gregory turned to the chalkboard, which seemed to appear out of no where.

"Um, excuse me, Gregory? May I help? I think I have a plan in mind..." Pip said, glancing at Damien, who nodded in response.

"GAH! Me too!" Tweek got up, trembling.

"Very well. We shall formulate a plan that will free our homosexual friends. Viva la Resistance!"

"Viva la Resistance!" The children shrieked back.

**Yeah so that happen. There are a lot of kids in the school, holy shit. **

**Can you guys believe it's been fifteen years since Craig vs. Tweek was aired? That's just scary to think about. It was the episode which sparked the most beautiful ship. **

**Also, think I should include song? Message me with ideas, if you can. I dig the musicals. **


	9. Stuff happens

Gregory finished drawing on the chalkboard, where a layout of the gay camp and lots of lines were drawn. He got this done in ten minutes with only the help of a spazzy douche and a british idiot. Impressive, even I have to admit. And I hate all of these damn kids.

"So, does everyone understand the plan?" Gregory asked, looking at the children expectantly.

Everyone stared back at him. The only response was Bebe, on her phone, talking loudly. "Yeah, and this kid thinks he's hot shit or whatever, because he just made a plan on a _chalkboard_. A chalkboard! Can you believe it?"

Gregory sighed. These kids were really stupid, but they were all he had. "Very well. I will need a brave child to go directly to the homosexual's cabin and unlock the padlock door I assume they have."

"Me! JESUS! I'll do it!" Tweek raised his shaky arm, twitching more than ever before.

"Uh, right. Anyone more competant? No?" Gregory waited, but there were no other takers. "Very well. Tweek, this will be dangerous, you know."

"AH! I mean, I know! But...I'll be able to save Craig! And he'll know I'm not just some wimp! And maybe- GAH- he'll like me more!" Tweek looked down bashfully.

There was a moment of silence. Perhaps...the children were awed by Tweek's brave nature, or maybe his eagerness to please the love of his life.

"HA! That's fucking gay, dude," Cartman laughed, punching Tweek's shoulder.

"Haha, yeah! Uh, homo!" Butters added, smacking Tweek's head lightly.

I stand corrected.

"Alright, people. Move out. Let me go over the plan one more time. With all of our bikes, it will take thirty minutes, possibly twenty five if we rush. By that time it will be about nine-forty. We have only twenty minutes to break them out before it is our bedtime. Stan and Kyle will be on watch on the north side, Wendy and Bebe on the east, Kenny and Butters on the west, and Pip and Damien on the south. Me and Christophe will go down under, then shut off the water supply so they cannot use their hoses. Timmy, Jimmy, you two will sneak in and pretend to have a problem with one of your...issues. Pete and Michael will then creep into one of the guard towers and light in on fire. Henrietta and Firkle will do the same.

"Powder and Red will then go into the office and call the PTA so they will come over and tend to the riot that Annie and Heidi will cause. Nichole and Lola, you two will have the job to make out with Token and Clyde so that the PTA will get even more angry with the sexual content. Bill and Fosse, you two will make homosexual remarks so that the guards will suspect you're gay and argue over whether to enroll you or not as they're fighting. Dogpoo, your smell will cause the cannibal flies they hired to swarm over your head, and Francis will help you so you won't get eaten. Terrence, Douchebag, you two will make sure everything goes according to plan so nothing goes wrong. Now then, Tweek will break the homosexuals out, go to the designated point over at Stan and Kyle's section, and Eric will watch outside the cabin for any guards, and make a dying giraffe noise to Tweek if anything goes wrong. If it does, Tweek, you will be on your own. Is that understood?"

Each of the children slowly nod, kind of getting the plan. Not really, but this was the best they could do for fourth graders. Plus a kindergartner.

"Alright, people. Let's make history. Viva la Resistance!"

xxx

Craig Tucker, meanwhile, was busy praying on the bottom bunk of his cabin bed. He was praying to God, even though he doubted Him all his life. I mean, Jesus did live in their town, but still.

"Uh. Dear God," he began, "I'm Craig Tucker. I'm at this stupid camp because my dad thinks I'm a homo. I guess I am. I'm gonna die in like...thirty minutes. So, when I do die, I need some favors from you. First, don't ever let Red Racer get cancelled. Second, make sure Stripe gets better, he had a cold before I left. Lastly, make sure Tweek has a better life. Like, with money and all of that. Because I love him. And if he was sad, that would suck ass. Thanks God. See you soon."

"Craig, will you shut the _fuck_ up? I'm trying to suck three cocks at once, damn it!" Mr. Garrison yelled, below Craig.

"Sorry."

"Oh, it's fine. I guess since you're going to die anyway, might be better to just say your last prayers. I'm a Christian, too. Wait, come here, Steven, let me see if I can do four..."

Craig looked up at the ceiling, ignoring the sounds coming from below. He wondered what his Tweek was doing.

xxx

I'm not going to write the entire bike scene, so let's just say it's about thirty five minutes after La Resistance planned their attack. Everyone was getting into position.

"Alright, everyone. I'll pray for you. Let's get to work," Gregory said, smiling at all the children.

"Come on, you fucking faggot. We got some digging to do." Christophe pulled Gregory away, into the forest surrounding the camp.

The children all looked at each other quietly. They could die tonight. They could even get grounded. But maybe it was worth it.

They all went to their spots, without saying goodbye to their friends or significant others. The time for goodbyes was way too late now.

Stan and Kyle were silent as they headed into their position of the north side. Until Kyle ruined all of that.

"Stan...is it okay if we talked?"

Stan smiled, patting the Jew on the back. "Sure, man. I thought this dumb bet was retarded anyway."

"Yeah. But...maybe it wasn't so crazy of Wendy to be angry..." Kyle admitted, feeling angered at admitting he was wrong about something.

"What? Dude, what do you mean?"

"I mean, when we kissed...I liked it. I liked it, Stan, and I wanted you to do it again and again! God, it's just like all of those cheesy movies with kissing and butterflies and shit. I'm...I'm in love with you, Stan!" Kyle shouted, meaning for it to be a thoughtful and quiet confession, but fucking it up badly.

Stan stood. He looked at Kyle. Was this really happening? Was his best friend really confessing to him? Could he say the same thing back? There were so many questions and no answers.

That is, until Stan threw up all over Kyle.

"Dude, sick!" Kyle gagged, wiping as much as he could off.

"No, dude. This means that...I feel the same way!" Stan concluded, grabbing both of Kyle's hands.

"Really?"

"Really!"

"Kickass!"

xxx

Timmy looked around the camp, alerting Jimmy with a quiet, "TIMMY!"

Jimmy went over, looking around. "Alright, let's d-d-do this shit." He cleared his throat, then yelled, "Oh someone h-help! I have sp-sp-special needs, as does my f-friend here! We need ass...assist...assistance!"

"TIMMY!" Timmy added. Damn, he was a good actor.

All of the guards started to move out. "LET'S GO, PEOPLE. SPECIAL NEEDS, THIS IS SUPER SERIOUS. EVEN MORE THAN...MANBEARPIG!" A guard who was definitely not Al Gore yelled to the other guards.

Meanwhile, Pete and Michael went to the first tower, getting out their lighters. They used them to signal Henrietta and Firkle in the second tower.

"This is such bullshit. Guards are such conformists," Pete said, lighting fire to the wooden roof of the tower.

"Definitely. We better be getting paid for this like the blond douche said we would," Michael added, ducking so the fire wouldn't touch his hair.

"Let's just hope someone dies. That would be cool."

MEANWHILE, Pip and Damien were on the south side, opening the gates and putting big signs for the PTA to see.

"We will alert these parents that their children are trying to go against them! Then their silly little plan will fail! We will take over!" Damien cackled, setting up another sign.

"Thank you, Damien," Pip said politely, hanging his on carefully.

"For what, wife?" Damien looked at Pip suspiciously.

"Well, for including me. You see, I never really quite fitted in with this crowd. And, back in my home country, my previous love got arrested for being a serial killer. She was a bit odd in that way, but ah well. Anyway, you're...the only person I consider a true friend. You include me in everything. And, well...thank you." Pip smiled gratefully at Damien.

Damien blinked in response. He never really expected to hear those words. Especially about the serial killer. "Oh. You're welcome, wife. And...if you want, I'll let you rule over a part of the world once we take over. But just one! And it can't be America!"

"Oh, how kind of you, Damien! I think I'll take over the French. Those filthy bastards are finished!" Pip squealed.

Damien...smiled. A real, genuine smile. "You _are_ my wife after all, wife."

**MEANWHILE, **Gregory and Christophe were already down below, cutting the water supply. This proved to be successful.

"Christophe...I have to ask. Why did you agree to be my partner?" Gregory looked at Christophe suspiciously, heading back to the surface.

"I wanted to discuss something with you. It eez important, I zink," Christophe replied calmly.

"Oh. What is it?"

Christophe grabbed Gregory by the shoulders, pulling him close. "You are scum. You constantly zink you are better zan everyone else, but you are just like ze rest. You digust me so much, I fucking hate you just like I hate God and my mother. You fucking idiot."

Before Gregory could reply, Christophe spit out his cigerette and kissed him deeply. So deep that Gregory could taste the tobacco and hate. It was wonderful.

_MEANWHILE, _Powder and Red had already called the PTA, and they were met with a riot of the guards. Apparently, two girls had offered to be the winner of a fight's slaves for two weeks. Now all the guards were beating the shit out of each other. They knew it was their kids thanks to the big signs out front.

"Oh god, these are our kids' work!" Shiela shrieked. She shrieked even more and pointed when she saw Nichole and Lola making out with Token and Clyde. "Sexual advances!" She pointed at Bill and Fosse, who were calling everything (even themselves) gay. "Homophobic remarks!"

"We need to break this up! South Park, attack!" The Mayor screamed, and everyone went batshit.

_**MEANWHILE, **_Tweek easily got into the cabin where all the gays were at. Including Craig.

"Tweek? What are you doing?" Craig asked, going over to his boyfriend.

"OH GOD! We're breaking you guys out! Come on, we have to go now!" Tweek yelled to the others. The homosexuals wasted no time in pushing past Tweek, out into the madness. "WAIT NO! WE'RE SUPPOSED TO GO OUT THE BACK WINDOW OH FUCK!"

"Come on," Craig said, running out. "We need to just leave, Tweek."

"...Alright! Better this way than no way, I guess!" Tweek ran with him, passing all of the blood and bruises and even brains. Everything was turning into Hell. And the kids were breaking from their positions. Some got seriously hurt, but none were wet. Thank God.

"Oh god, we don't have the hoses!" One guard cried.

"Get the guns instead!" Another ordered.

"Shit!" Christophe yelled, stepping into guts.

"This...This isn't the plan..." Gregory mumbled, looking around at the chaos fearfully. This was all going wrong, this wasn't how he planned things.

"Come on, you fucking British asshole!" Christophe yelled desperately.

"HEY," A guard yelled, walking over to them and pointing at Craig. "You're the fag we were supposed to kill tonight!"

"_Kill_?" Tweek repeated, mouth wide open.

"Look, dude. Just let me go, okay?" Craig said, holding up both hands.

"Fuck you! I'm gonna wipe you out with the rest of your perverted kind!" The guard screamed, and held up his gun. He pulled the trigger.

Craig shut his eyes, waiting for the pain. But...it never came. He slowly opened his eyes, seeing everyone crowded over one body.

"Craig..." Token said, his black face pale.

And when he looked down, he saw the one who took his bullet in the head.

Tweek.

**THE END. **

**Ha, but no. Next chapter is probably the last. Cool? Cool. **


	10. What a Happy End

I could bore you with the details of what was going on, but all you need to know was that Tweek Tweak was dead. He saved his boyfriend, Craig Tucker, from death and now he was sprawled on the ground. The group of people around him were all silent, even Craig. That is, until one boy spoke up. That boy was Damien Thorn.

"You fools! Because of your idiotic concern with homosexuals, you have doomed the world! Again!" Damien cackled maniacally, holding his arms up. His eyes started to glow, and a crack formed in the ground. Once it opened up, Satan floated out of it, a gang of demons at his side.

The people of South Park screamed and tried to run away, but the demons prevented this. These people were going to be the first to go, since they were kind of the reason the world was ending.

"God damn it! Kyle, why does your mom always have to cause the end of the world?" Stan groaned, glaring at the sobbing Sheila Broflovski.

"Because they're Jews!"

"Shut the hell up, Cartman!"

Satan smiled at Damien, patting his back. "Well done, son. You did it. I'm actually proud to call you my spawn. Now, you will get to rule."

"Yes!" Damien cheered, grinning at the citizens. "Meet your new ruler! Your new God! I will decide who will live and who will die from now on! Take that, you disgusting humans!"

Christophe threw his cigerette to the floor, huffing. "Shit. You shouldn't have invited ze demon spawn, Gregory."

Gregory huffed. "Everything is always my fault, isn't it?"

"_Oui_."

"Silence!" Satan barked, gaining everyone's attention. "You all did this to yourselves! Killed a child, who did nothing to any of you! I thought my son was crazy for wanting to take over, but I see now he has a very good point! Humanity is disgusting. All of it. So, who wants to die first?"

There was no answer. That is, until a little boy started walking toward Satan. This little boy's name was Craig Tucker, and he was carrying the dead body of Tweek, his boyfriend. People watched, unsure if he was offering to die or saying something to convince Satan otherwise.

Damien frowned, looking at Craig skeptically. "You want to die first?"

Craig said nothing. His face seemed to be the same as it always was. Blank. There was no expression from him, he seemed to be fine with speaking to the actual devil and his son.

Then, all at once, his facade dropped. Craig Tucker, the guy with no expression, the biggest asshole in fourth grade next to Cartman, started to cry. Not in a silent, cool way either. His sobs were loud, like a child. Fuck, he _was _a child. A child who's boyfriend had just died for him. How do you _think_ he would feel?

"Craig..." Kyle said in amazement, eyes wide. No one was laughing at his loud cries, or even smiling. Even Eric Cartman wasn't making fun of him.

"Please, Satan, don't let Tweek die!" Craig sobbed, looking up at the father and son desperately. "I'll die instead! I want him to live and be happy and have a lot of fun. He's a fucking spaz, but that isn't his fault! Please...it's gay, but I love him."

A collective gasp swept through the crowd, though the children were not part of it. They weren't surprised, or disgusted, or anything. The only thing they felt was sympathy for the poor asshole.

Satan blinked, at a loss for words. Was this child really offering himself to die? But...humans were supposed to be selfish, right? What was this? "Listen, kid...I can't really do anything to help because-"

"WAIT!" A voice shouted. Everyone looked around, locating who was standing up for Craig.

"Look!" Wendy pointed to the huge gaping hole in the ground that connected Hell and Earth. Someone was climbing out of it.

That somebody was Chef.

"Chef!" The children were dying to hug the deceased man, but stayed back. After all, he was right next to the guy who could kill them all. Safety comes first, kids.

"Hello, children!" Chef waved, then knelt down next to Craig. "How's it going, Craig?"

"Bad," Craig replied, sniffing.

"Why bad?"

"Tweek is dead. 'Cause of me. And...and I can't bring him back. Satan won't even take me instead," Craig whimpered, hugging Tweek's corpse.

Chef nodded, standing back up and looking at Satan. "Satan, I will agree with you on one thing: humanity can be disgusting. People lie, cheat, steal, and are unbelievably selfish. I won't deny it. But, look at Craig. Does that seem disgusting, or selfish, or unholy to you?" Chef waited, as if the devil was really going to answer it. The reason why he wasn't, you uneducated fuckcoach, was because it was rhetorical. "It isn't. The children of this town, of this world, are the most beautiful things about humanity They have love, and amazing amount of it, and they have the most wonderful imaginations. Even Eric Cartman has it. Please, Satan. Don't kill them. Give them the final chance to redeem themselves."

Satan was now conflicted. He looked around at the children, who looked at him back with their wide and hopeful eyes. Damn it. "Well...maybe..."

"What? No!" Damien growled, crossing his arms. "I want them to die! Father, you have to let me do it! Who cares about love?"

"I do," Pip Pirrup said firmly, which gained a noise of shock from Damien. "You might not like me, Damien, but I do. That's why I agreed to do this for you. I thought...maybe if I did..." Pip looked down, disappointed and embarrassed.

Now _Damien _was conflicted, and highly embarrassed too. But, again, no one was laughing. He looked from Pip to Chef to Satan to Craig, considering the options. Well...he had time. He could always rule the world some other time. After all, eternity was all he had, and it was certainly enough.

"...Very well! As for right now, this disgusting world will be spared!" The crowd whooped and cheered, they couldn't believe they actually dodged that bullet twice. "I'll come back though! Me and my wife will conquer!" He grabbed a beaming Pip's hand, kissing it quickly.

"Jolly good," Pip chirped, which earned him yet another bop to the head. This one was actually more playful than the others.

Satan smiled at the two. Like father, like son. He stepped forward, scanning the crowd. "I will reset everything once again. Everyone who is dead will revive." That part was mostly aimed at Craig, who looked up hopefully. "Try not to fuck up again. If you can. Let's go, son." Satan and the two boys jumped back into the hole into Hell.

"Goodbye, children!" Chef waved, falling back into the hole as well.

"Bye, Chef!" Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny replied in unison.

The hole was instantly sealed. After it was, it was like the bloodbath before never happened. People who were thought to be dead were standing with no wounds.

This included Tweek.

"Huh...? What, AH, happened?! I thought I was de-mmmph!" Tweek was cut off by Craig, who tacked the blond to the ground and kissed him. "Craig!"

"You're an asshole," Craig muttered, hugging him tightly. "Don't fucking do that again."

"What, die?"

"Yes."

Kyle was overjoyed at the fact he wasn't going to die. So much, he kissed Stan right in front of Wendy. Bow chicka bow wow.

Stan looked at her. "Wendy, I..."

Wendy simply sighed, giving them both a weak smile. "It's okay, Stan. I don't want to force you to be with me."

"Really?" Stan asked, a little bit suspicious.

"Well, yeah. If you want to be with Kyle, that's fine. I just didn't want him to force you into anything you didn't want. I thought if I kept you away, Kyle would get over you. But...if you really don't like me, fine." Wendy shrugged, pretty calm considering her boyfriend was homo for his best friend. What a good sport.

"Wow, this all turned out okay!" Stan said, smiling at the other members of La Resistance. "Butters even made it!"

"Sure did, fellas," Butters confirmed, socking Kenny in the arm playfully. "Kenny here thought we were goners for sure! He even gave me a going away present!"

"Oh yeah? What?" Cartman asked, not even really caring.

"It sure was weird. He put his tongue in my mouth. But he explained real well that it was a traditional gift!" Everyone stared at Butters, then at Kenny, then at each other with disbelief. Kenny, meanwhile, looked pretty fucking smug beneath his parka. He was probably gonna parka his dick somewhere in Butters later.

"Anyway!" Gregory changed the subject, "It seems like this town has grown since I left. It's more...um..."

"Gay?" Cartman suggested.

"Well, I was going to say diverse, but that too."

"Maybe you should bring your shitty self back to South Park 'zen," Christophe suggested, trying to sound like he didn't care when he totally did. The cute little shit.

Gregory smiled at him. "Maybe I will."

"Oh my God, why are all the hot guys gay?" Bebe complained, crossing her arms.

"I'm not!" Cartman whined.

"My point exactly."

Soon, the parents started to round up their kids, going home. Stan waved goodbye to his brand new boyfriend, who's mother was pretending that she didn't almost destroy the world again. Stan's parents were taking the whole relationship between him and Kyle surprisingly well.

"Well, Stan, I always knew you and Kyle were a little funny," Randy said, starting their car and driving off.

"Yeah, you two turds were so obvious," Shelly spat, her glare less deadly than usual.

Sharon smiled at her son. "You'll always be my baby boy, Stan. Even if you are gay."

"Thanks, mom. I learned something this past week," Stan said. Oh god, here comes the lesson. "Yeah, there's gay people everywhere. But that's okay. They didn't _make_ me feel that way about Kyle, I did that myself. The only thing homosexuals will do to kids is make them understand themselves easier, instead of spending a lifetime unsure of themselves. Maybe homosexuals aren't the dangerous, perverted beasts everyone makes them out to be."

"Yeah, uh huh. So, you're going to top Kyle, right?"

"Randy!"

"Dad, ew!"

"What? My son is not gonna take it up the ass on my watch!"

Thank God they lived in this quiet, little, pissant, redneck, podunk, jerkwater, greenhorn, one-horse, mud-hole, peckerwood, right-wing, whistle-stop, hobnail, truck-drivin', old-fashioned, hayseed, inbred, unkempt, out-of-date, out-of-touch, white-trash, kickass, _gay_ mountain town.

**THAT IT. IT DONE. **

**So that was my first South Park fanfic. But will it be the last (probably)? Stay tuned. **


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